A Journey of Linguistic Identities: How English Becomes the Dominant Language in My Life and The Place of Other Languages

Language is something that connects us with those who speak the same, though it also separates us from those who don’t speak the same. In many contexts, it centrally defines a national identity of a people (e.g. Indonesian, Malay, Thai, etc.). In other contexts, it transcends national boundaries (e.g. English, Spanish, French, etc.), meaning that they are widely spoken in many countries and are not necessarily “owned” by any one country. In some other contexts, its nature is somewhere in between both contexts above (e.g. Chinese). In this post, I will share how language has shaped my identity, which languages are influential in my life, and what values are associated with such languages in my case. In the context of language as a cultural identity, it also includes accents and dialects, as well as whether the language is spoken as a first or second language and so on.

Growing up in Indonesia and in a Sundanese land (in the Western part of Java), I was familiar with Indonesian and Sundanese languages. Interestingly, between these two languages, I have always used Indonesian most actively and I’ve almost never used Sundanese in my daily conversation (only bits of Sundanese terms mixed into my Indonesian expressions). I understand daily Sundanese, but I will find myself awkward speaking in Sundanese as I’m not used to it. My parents spoke to me in Indonesian. We had a nanny whom we regarded as part of my family, and she spoke Sundanese. Up until the end of my elementary school, Indonesian was a dominant language used by my peers. My middle school was the first period where I found that my peers used mostly Sundanese in their daily conversation. But when they spoke to me, they used Indonesian; or when they spoke to me in Sundanese, I would find myself responding in Indonesian. This type of situation was one of those where I felt a bit like an outsider. I never really knew why I could not force myself speaking in Sundanese. It just was not natural for me. Deep inside, I wanted to; but I could not. Subconsciously perhaps, I regarded the Sundanese language as a language that belonged to the local people, respectfully, and I perhaps did not feel like I was part of the local people enough. I was comfortable enough being a listener to the Sundanese language.

Then the high school period came, and I began to be enrolled in an English language training, which went on for as long as my high school years. It quickly became the language that allowed me to see some potential in me. Before the high school period, I mostly considered myself to be an average person who did not do that well in school. But with English, along with math, suddenly I felt more confident. Gradually, my peers became reliant on my English competence. I was their go-to person when it came to English. I was asked to participate in a national English language competition and I ranked 18th nationally and received an English dictionary as a present. In essence, I found confidence in and through English. It felt like a new life was showered into me.

Long story short, for most of my adult life, I have associated English as integral to my identity. I was drawn to participate in multiple summer schools (in Utrecht and in Helsinki) during my final year of undergraduate study and early year of my master’s study, so that I could practice my English. I was also drawn to my master’s program because it was taught in English (even though it was in an Indonesian institution). My master’s thesis was about the use of English in the institution, a policy to support internationalization of the school. Several months in the beginning of my marriage, I taught English. Then I was socialized more into English during my PhD years in the US. Returning to Indonesia in 2015, I taught my courses in English (because it was the policy) and I was asked to lead the unit of international relations, where English became the dominant language to use. Not to mention, my natural accent when speaking in English is considered to be different from the way many Indonesians tend to speak. I generally tend to speak in American English, with some European inflections (perhaps because of my exposure to Europe as well).

Up until now, as this writing happens, my dominant thought processes are in English. I express myself mostly in English. Reflecting on my experiences, more or less, I’ve realized that English functions in me in several ways:

1. It has brought me confidence and a sense of being. In most of my younger years, I did not think of myself as valuable enough and I could not connect well with my surroundings. Even though I still found some restrictions in dealing with the local, I have accepted it well enough as part of my limit and embraced the fact that my audience is different. I have found my niche.

2. In my sense of existence, I don’t find English to be superior to any other languages; it simply creates a sense of home in me and for me. English symbolizes something that cuts across boundaries and I feel more comfortable in that space where boundaries become constantly redefined.

3. It is obviously impactful to my career path, so far. If not because of English, I would not have been placed in positions that force (or allow) me to use English or express myself in English so intensely. From meeting people from different parts of the world to writing and responding to emails incessantly with comfort, English takes the dominant mode of being in my professional life.

4. To me perhaps, English also represents a dream, or a possibility.

Other than English, Indonesian, and Sundanese, there are some other languages that have occupied my sense of being, namely German, French, and Arabic. German in particular is very personal to me. While I only understand very little German (as of now), there have been personal experiences attached to German, from German being the language of some of my closest buddies to meeting my future wife through the German language. Every time I hear people speak in German or meet people from German-speaking countries, I feel the connection. With French, it has gradually entered my sense of being as many of my closest professional colleagues or friends speak French or French speakers. Out of any, these two languages are my top priorities for me to continue learning. Lastly but not least, Arabic is the language of the Qur’an. I have been fascinated with how Arabic terms are used in the Qur’an in a delicate way. With Arabic, for me it is not so much about being able to speak Arabic (though it would be an advantage), but to uncover the mysteries behind the Arabic terms used in the Qur’an. The journey to unravel its intricacies has been gradually becoming part of my identity since my dissertation years starting in 2013, where I have found many that have been somehow misconstrued - to my comprehension, leading to certain accepted ideologies and practices which I’ve come to question but nonetheless respect in some contexts.

Another language that was rather close to me in terms of wishing to learn was Spanish, as it was the language that many people spoke in the areas I lived in when I did my PhD in the US. Javanese is another, as it is the language of my in-laws. And with many partners or colleagues in my professional circle speaking Chinese, there is a call for me to be able to speak Chinese.

Overall, it has been refreshing to reflect on how languages shape my identity and what they entail. I am truly hoping that I’ll have the chance to continue learning as you get to uncover multiple senses and realities.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section if you have any.

Written on August 26, 2024.